Cultural Crossovers #19: Avengers: Infinity War

In which TF is thoroughly W’d.

• This piece of history is really sucking for the Asgardians. Culled twice? (Or three times, by the end.)
• EBONY MAW, YOU POMPOUS ASS!
• Oh, Loki. Don’t ever change.
• Well, that’s a new experience for the Hulk, and I don’t think he cares for it very much.
• And Heimdall of Asgard dies well.
• Well, shit. Loki might actually be really dead this time. Never expected to be saying that.
• And that’s some nice targeting for a dying god.
• Aw, those crazy kids got back together. Excellent. Shame about the interruption.
• Man, it would be nice if our universe came with a bunch of convenient ontotech keys. As long as they were in the right hands. Namely, ours.
• Good cape.
• What the hell is that, a giant flying cyclotron?
• Great distraction, kid. Completely indistinguishable from genuine panic. And great cameo.
• Pompous ass and dumb muscle. Nice pair.
• Damn, Thanos gave the big guy PTSD.
• Now that’s some fancy suitage. Pretty sure you can’t actually make one even with our tech, but still. Unless that’s vibranium, maybe.
• Spider-Man has evidently has time to get used to Starkplanations.
• Best cape!
• Ah, that new suit smell. Nice crazy-prep.
• Light-lag: sucks.
• Man, we love these guys.
• Not sure you have god wipers.
• Drax has quite the man-crush, there.
• Well, that’s a hell of a thing to bond over. Such magnificent dysfunction.
• He decimated Xandar? Damn. We liked that place.
• Nidavellir sounds interesting. Let’s go there. The audience is very much with Rocket, here —
• Well, okay, except that last bit.
• It can speak! (Not the mind stone; that we were expecting. The one-man brute squad.)
• You have a beard now.
• And Team Freedom And The Right Thing continue to kick ass. Were we expecting any less? We were not.
• This, presumably, is the culling of Gamora’s homeworld.
• So, literally killing half the population.
• That’s a hell of a thing to ask. Even more of one to have to ask.
• Drax, the Destroyer of Moments.
• Also, Tivan, what in the universe could you possibly sell an Infinity Stone for?
• And there I was expecting Drax to play the role of Leroy Jenkins.
• That was too quick.
• The reality stone. Right.
• Okay. That was both messy and awesome.
• Damn. All that for nothing.
• And this Ross continues to prioritize being an asshat over, well, reality. Fortunately, Rhodey knows that.
• Thank you, Cap, for continuing to be the voice of ethics.
• Shuri built you a new arm! Can’t wait to see how this one performs.
• I’m guessing you missed hearing about the whole Dormammu incident?
• Makes perfect sense to us. Also, you have the same chronic hero syndrome as your mentor, there.
• Beautiful. And the perfect end for said pompous ass.
• Well, it is a Strange name.
• Welcome to the team. Everyone else’s induction was about that short, too.
• Seriously, that’s your motivation? DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THE UNIVERSE IS? AND WITH THE SIX STONES YOU’RE LOOKING FOR, COULDN’T YOU DOUBLE THE SIZE OF THE UNIVERSE ANYWAY? OR AT LEAST THE AMOUNT OF RESOURCES?
• AND YOU KNOW WITH POPULATION GROWTH YOU’LL HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN?
• YOU’RE INSANE.
• …and that looks really uncomfortable.
• Thanos shows that he does know the one way to make torture work.
• Nidavellir sounds like one hell of a forge.
• We understand your motivation, Thor. Just hope you have something left when it runs out.
• You collecting body parts again?
• Well, okay, it was one hell of a forge.
• 3/4 of a ship isn’t so bad.
• “Blanket of death”.
• Mr. Lord is his father…. oh, wait.
• I’m guessing scrying gambit. Yep, scrying gambit.
• Those are poor odds. Or a certainty, depending on how you look at it.
• …okay, how did you get there?
• Which raises the question: just how sapient/sophont are the stones? Other than mind, obviously.
• So, the soul stone has a test that guarantees only deeply terrible people can take it. Seems poorly designed.
• Well, shit.
• Nice kinetic barrier. Couldn’t do better ourselves.
• Well, I guess they probably would have some spares.
• Jump-starting a neutron star. Impressive. Also, what the hell are the dwarves made of?
• Put Banner in the Hulkbuster suit. Cute.
• Nice to see T’Challa and M’Baku getting along so well now.
• Ah, the infamous Inhuman Wave Attack.
• A bold move, and did Thanos teach any of his minions tactical acumen?
• (Guess he’s helping to reduce overpopulation by ensuring as many of his own armies die as possible.)
• Okay, what the hell is Thor made of? Flesh-phase neutronium?
• The axe is Groot.
• The audience wonders how the Bifrost is still working when its generator presumably got all blowed up with Asgard.
• Still a grand opening move.
• This not-plan is going remarkably well.
• …until then. Quill, dammit. We understand, but damn it.
• You just threw a moon at them. A friggin’ moon.
• Dual-wielding a raccoon. That should go on the resume. But watch your arm.
• Heh.
• And I shall call you Excessive Wheelbots.
• Well, Okoye, that would be why.
• Some of those armored war rhinos seem like they’d be useful about now.
• You won’t like him when he’s angry, either.
• …and now you’re throwing singularities.
• That is probably the greatest honor a human has ever received.
• This, presumably, is the one path out.
• Okay, that’s a really nice starship-killing axe.
• …did he just turn Bruce into a half-fossil?
• How impressive is it that the Scarlet Witch is able to significantly hold back Thanos while simultaneously destroying an Infinity Stone? All of impressive, we say.
• Horrible as it is for those people who have already had to make the worst possible heroic sacrifice and have it be for nothing, having it actually reversed right in front of your eyes manages to out-horrible it.
• (Worse, in-‘verse, because this might actually be a possible kind of causal weapon.)
• Oh, gods. So close.
• And Peter dies thinking he failed. Thanos needs to die twice for that alone.
• (Huh. How did Bruce get out of being half-phased into solid rock?)
• Hope that pager calls someone… you might have been better off calling most of a movie ago. Did no-one keep Fury up to date?
• “THANOS WILL RETURN”. Well he’d better. He’s got a hell of a lot of red in everyone’s ledger.

…really, they’re not gonna want to make the audience wait too long for Endgame, ’cause the audience is all heated up and baying for ol’ purple-chin’s blood. Now it’s personal.

(Which is to say, they are a passionate race, and they have an understanding of the proper protocol for heroic sacrifices, which is to get together, hunt down whoever was responsible for ’em, and get medieval on their ass. And they’ve been following these folks through their triumphs and tragedies for eighteen movies now.

Damn right it’s personal.)