Ollisté Cúlárius’s Erotic Watchvid Review!
Hard Heat in the Hotlands, imp. Gantír Media. (32 minutes.)
The things I do for you, gentle readers.
I watched this production, imported from the Dulse Cooperation, not once but twice; once, purely as myself, as a connoisseur of cross-species erotica, and then for a second time using a waserai cultural-perspective overlay just in case I had completely misunderstood what I was watching.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t.
Hard Heat in the Hotlands has worse production values than most amateurs’ first films. This is something of a relief, since good production would only throw into sharp relief the inability of the makers to find a cast that is attractive either physically or in personality, to devise characters that aren’t entirely flat, or to provide any plot beyond “the characters enter stage left and have sex for no adequately explored reason”. While no-one expects full relationship development in a short erotic watchvid, some time spent on scene-setting, on providing us with the sense that the characters actually like each other, and on showing a little seduction and foreplay to set the mood would have been most welcome.
As for the actual sex, which makes up 30 minutes of the 32 minute running time, it is dull, uncreative and rather tedious at its best, and despite the director’s antisubtle taste for lingering close-up shots which would probably have been more at home in an anatomy training film, spends most of its time on uninspired genital-rubbing with rather less eroticism than a typical documentary on the history of the piston engine. Meanwhile, it is virtually impossible to suspend disbelief sufficiently to believe that either of the cast are enjoying themselves; judging from the occasional unguarded expression that slips through, “going through the motions in a state of utter necrocephalic boredom” would be closer.
If any of that actually sounds appealing to you, run, don’t walk, to your nearest licensed psychedesigner.
Finally, I am told that on some worlds people believe that pornography causes violence. I can report that this is absolutely true, because after sitting through this atrocity not once but twice, I would very much like to shoot whatever drug-addled loon of a remarketing executive at Gantír thought it could possibly sell here.
Rating: 0/72 (and that only because my editors won’t permit me to use negative numbers)
Recommendation: Don’t buy it, don’t watch it. Actually, forget it ever existed. You don’t even need to use a memory redactor for that, whereas I’m going to see one after posting this review in order that I’ll be able to enjoy sex ever again.
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