Seen in a post office on Maiath (Tasein Ways):


The postal service is not accepting shipments of biologicals, especially live biologicals, for shipment via packet torpedo at this time, or at any other time. Customers are requested not to attempt to bypass this restriction.

Despite the events depicted in the recent Galactic Studios InVid, Fatal Sunburn, it is not possible for biologicals to survive shipment by packet torpedos, which lack all inertial damping and use accelerations well beyond the tolerances and indeed structural integrity of all known sophonts. To be blunt: your package, or yourself, will arrive as meat chutney, and the postal service will bill your estate for the cost of mopping out the parcel stowage.

If you need to be there on time, consider mindcasting. Mindcast and bodily reconstruction data can be sent by packet torpedo quite safely.

Thank you.

Torsk Induts, Postcatalyst General

(This piece inspired by this ST:TNG episode in which someone was shipped to the Enterprise inside a photon torpedo casing accelerated to Warp 9. Needless to say, if you tried the equivalent to this in the ‘verse, it wouldn’t be a case of “sit up and take off your breath mask”, but rather a case of “Please pour organic slurry enclosed into healing vat, and run attached reconstruction program. Stir, and allow two hours to finish baking,” in a similarly gruesome fashion to the Gideon Drives of the Pax in Endymion.

…which is why it’s much easier just to send the mindcast data.)

Braking Without Breaking

“Your attention please, gentlesophs and adjuncts; Flight Commander Aimne speaking. In twelve minutes time, we shall commence our deceleration burn to enter Talentar orbit and make rendezvous with Avétal High Port.

“As you may know, the Wanderer Station cycler intercepts Talentar orbit at high transit velocity, and as such making orbit requires a substantial velocity change. Our flight plan therefore mandates that we decelerate at six standard gravities.

“At this time, therefore, please ensure that your acceleration couches are facing full for’ard, upright, and locked. Any loose objects may become dangerous projectiles under thrust; please ensure that any such are stowed. For your comfort and safety, we advise that you remove any objects – especially if heavy or possessed of hard edges or corners – from your front, or upper, pockets, and stow them in the g-safe container provided. If you have a full bladder, you should empty it before the burn commences. If you are not familiar with acceleration couch procedure, this would be an excellent opportunity to study the provided reference data. Any passengers with special medical requirements for high-gravity maneuvers should make themselves known to the purser without delay.

“The thrust alarm will sound one minute before burn commences. Please ensure that you are in your acceleration couch, with restraints fastened, at that time. For your comfort, check that clothing beneath you is smooth and wrinkle-free; minor discomfort is greatly amplified under thrust. Your arms should be resting on the provided rests; do not cross them or place them in your lap. Check that your headrest is properly adjusted and place your head in contact with it, without turning it to either side. Remember that even a short drop at six gravities may cause serious injury. Do not attempt to release your restraints or move about the cabin while the burn is in progress; even if you are able to do so, such activities endanger your fellow passengers.

“If it is necessary to interrupt the deceleration burn for any reason, it may resume at any time without warning, or unanticipated attitude corrections may be required. For this reason, again, please do not release your restraints or leave your acceleration couch until I have announced the end of the maneuver.

“The current temperature on Avétal is 214 absolute, and the vacuum is hard out today. On behalf of the company and the other members of the crew, thank you for flying Amphiplanetary.”