37 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Do (But Are Allowed To) In The Associated Worlds

(by – sort of -request; very dubiously deuterocanonical in parts)

  1. It is polite to offer immortagens to your new offworld friends. It is not polite to spike their coffee, beer, or punch bowl with them.
  2. Even if everything is quaint, you shouldn’t keep calling it that.
  3. Very few people want to meet you on the field of honor, at any time of day.
  4. Organic superlubricant is not approved for use as a personal lubricant.
  5. Just because you’re wearing a hard hat (i.e., in a cybershell) is no excuse for betting the squishies that you can run further through hard vacuum.
  6. Nor is it an excuse to yell “CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!” in front of the biochauvinists.
  7. Nor should you go around calling the squishies, squishies.
  8. It’s bad form to get better service from petty officials by announcing yourself as Unchosen Heir to the Dragon Throne, Successor of the Imperium if you don’t really need to. One day they’ll figure out that that’s everybody.
  9. No matter how annoying you may find their “sales tax” to be, you cannot get it waived by inciting a revolution on the spot.
  10. Nor can you get it waived by declaring war. Even if you mean it.
  11. Actually, especially if you mean it.
  12. You should probably not rebuild them. Even if you do have the technology.
  13. But if you have to, at least do it aboard your ship where you’re technically still on our territory.
  14. It embarrasses people when you compare their commercial and military encryption to “that childhood game” or “how we hide spoilers”.
  15. Therefore, reading their confidential e-mail in real time should not be considered an appropriate party trick.
  16. Even if they did accuse you of only simulating the sensation of pain, it is inappropriate to ask them to demonstrate the difference with the help of your electrolaser, your plasma torch, or a blunt instrument of any size.
  17. It does not become less inappropriate just because you yelled “For Science!” first.
  18. Word to the kaeth: “You break it, you pay for it” doesn’t mean you can break anything you can afford to pay for.
  19. Especially if “it” is a sophont.
  20. Just because they claim to be automata doesn’t mean you should treat them that way.
  21. “In order that my alternate-universe self wouldn’t” is not sufficient justification for doing anything to a multiple-worlds-theory-endorsing quantum physicist.
  22. It’s best not to explain to people why they won’t be assimilated.
  23. While giving out cornucopia seeds can be both helpful and entertaining, it’s also illegal on a surprising number of worlds.
  24. Which is not to say that you shouldn’t do it anyway.
  25. The correct answer to ‘Are you a god?’ is ‘No,’ not ‘Only compared to some.’
  26. The secret of stable quantum processing is not “keeping the qubits 20% cooler”.
  27. While we do not wish to discourage anyone from repeatedly stabbing obnoxious sexists and the like, leaving them sufficiently alive to learn from the experience does make the ensuing legalities easier to clean up.
  28. “Having some fun with the locals” is not a legitimate reason to land on primitive planets.
  29. The Empire does not need their water.
  30. Nor does it need their women.
  31. And no-one will believe that you were only asking for them as an intelligence test.
  32. A Deuterium Slushie does not contain slush deuterium, and you shouldn’t imply that it does.
  33. Electrolasers are not to be used for child restraint.
  34. You should not offer to buy governments, government departments, government officials, or citizens of other polities. Even if you’re being sarcastic.
  35. Having an enhanced metabolism doesn’t excuse you from playing fair at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
  36. You don’t need to fight everything with fire.
  37. Children cannot usually waive whatever laws prohibit you from showing them how that thing they saw in their comic book is actually done.

Non-Canon Parody: Travel Advisory

So, I was chasing links this morning and ended up at a State Department travel advisory, and then this just wrote itself, really…

“The Ministry of State and Outlands alerts Imperial citizen-shareholders that the quadrennial elections are scheduled to take place in Blatantly Obvious Expy near the end of this year. The opening engagements have already begun, and related activities are expected to only intensify in the coming months.

“As such, the Ministry of State and Outlands recommends that citizen-shareholders avoid travel to Blatantly Obvious Expy until the second quarter of the coming year, due to the high risk of nausea, rage excursions, and self-inflicted head injuries.

“The Ministry regrets that there’s really nothing it can do to help you if you insist on visiting during this period of crisis and localized brou-ha-ha.

“For further information, see publication SO-2961 – Seriously, What The Fucking Fuck?: Coping With Barbarism Through Alcohol Consumption.”

 

Non-Canon Non-Christmas Drabble

Not at all inspired by current events, either…

“Last year we took down one network overnight. Now we’ve got smart replicators. This time, we’re downing every major gaming network in the constellation, and they won’t be back up for weeks. It’ll be huge!”

* * *

Three seconds later, the speaker became the tip of a flaming spear descending from the heavens, as the thunderous KEW impact racketed through the neighborhood.

Six hundred miles above, CS Impositor drifted silently through the black.

“I still think this isn’t the intent of Admiral’s Privilege.”

“And yet your Admiral does. Set course to the next… naughty target. And goodnight,” murmured the Worldburner, “children everywhere.”