Texts From Space

As recorded by Talentar Deep Space Tracking.

: Hey, I just fell off the starship. Send lawyers, rescue ships, and oxygen.

: No, seriously.

: Because I had my terminal, not whatever fancy radio you think I have. And because I had your address. And because all the other functions on it say ‘insufficient bandwidth’.

: Is this really the time to discuss bandwidth allocation priorities in the outer system?

: Look, just call space traffic control and tell them they’ve got a soph overboard.


: Okay, what do they want to know?

: My position? I’m in space, gods-dammit. I didn’t bring a bloody sextant with me when I fell off the ship.

: They’re the ones with the radio telescopes.

: Oh, for the – the Monarch Absent. Private yacht. 28 minutes ago.

: Plenty. This survival mask says it can recycle for days. And no, I’m not injured.

: Have you called my lawyer yet?


: Well, here I am.


: Space is really big.

: Really very, very, very big.

: And empty. And dark. Big and empty and dark.

: Everyone tells you that it’s big and empty and dark, but until you tr-

: Well, pardon me, but it’s bloody boring out here.


: Send e-books, please. Also – any sign of that lawyer?

: I don’t know, write a macro, maybe?

: It’s probably easier to figure out for the one of us not floating in space.


: HOW LONG!?

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