Once more into the cinema, dear friends, once more:
- Captain America continues to be awesome.
- He don’t need no steenkin’ parachute, although why the vibranium ain’t glowing is a mystery.
- Ah, multitasking. Always room for a banter thread.
- And this is why concealed mission objectives are a bad idea unless you’re concealing them from yourself with a conditional-release trigger. Even for compartmentalization purposes.
- Heli-cruisers, is it?
- Ah, the idealist versus the pragmatist. The audience sides with the idealist. (The sentinels in the audience sigh softly.)
- Oh, that reunion. It could make a stone weep, and we all still hate mortality.
- Hiding things from yourself, Fury, or something sinister going on?
- Nice car. Smart. Just the thing for a nice day out in hostile territory.
- …not quite good enough, but damn close.
- The Winter Soldier, I presume?
- Well, that’s a nice trick, Mister Cyborg.
- Oh, he is so not dead.
- And, Pierce, this is possibly the most obvious frame job since they hung the Mona Lisa.
- Son, you don’t have enough STRIKE units. The whole of SHIELD doesn’t have enough STRIKE units.
- And, as usual, the Council of Holographic People is being played like an organ-grinder’s… organ. The Imperial Security Executive is deeply unimpressed.
- Nice moves – and you schmucks call yourselves a tac team?
- YOU UPLOADED A MIND-STATE WITH THAT!? (in a bunker? with a box of scraps?)
- Oh, you cunning bastards. When working with a population of kneelers, anyway.
- (And how the hell was Fury blind to this all these years? This is why the Imperial Service has three, count ’em, three, Departments of Impropriety.)
- “I shoot my housekeeper to demonstrate how unnecessarily evil I am!”
- Oh, it’s Senator Asshat being… well, yeah, exactly what we’d expect.
- And that’s how one conducts an interrogation. Also, really nice jetpackoskeleton.
- Ah, proleptic algorithms. Nice tech, lots of useful applications, shame about the grotesque abuse of it here.
- Well, shit. How did you end up there? And then?
- Excellent timing, Agent Hill.
- Oh, Rumlow, don’t you know that the traditional cliché is to make the prisoners dig their own graves?
- Called it.
- Ah, more freezing, after a run through the brain laundry. That makes sense.
- Please note: the tech in your laundry also sucks.
- …and yeah, seriously, when you’re this compromised, you BURN IT TO THE GROUND. And then shoot the ashes into the sun. And then blow up the sun.
- Good impromptu speech, that.
- And glorious moment-stepping!
- And then, sudden transparency. Everyone in the audience who doesn’t secretly work for the Fifth Directorate applauds. So does everyone who does, because, y’know, secrecy.
- “Order only comes through pain”? Man, HYDRA are all about the fucked-up mottos.
- Well, this is a spectacular mess.
- Nice catch!
- And after their respective multiple high-risk plays, the entire audience would be more than delighted to go into battle alongside either Cap or Black Widow. Any day of the week.
- Well, that’s a hell of a loose end to tie up.
- …and there are some idiots playing with the scepter of mindfucking. That’s going to work out well.
Also doesn’t take much cultural explanation, same as the last one in this sub-series, except for two really big details:
One, how did you get a supposedly non-evil organization to think that Project Insight doing preemptive executions was a good idea (don’t tell us, pragmatism – which is why we don’t like pragmatists around here); and
Two, how in all the blazes of nucleonic eggbeating fornication did, I repeat myself, Fury let SHIELD get that compromised? I mean, there’s suspension of disbelief, but based on previous films and characterization, we’re not supposed to think of him as hilariously incompetent, so…
Straight on with it:
- Well, they don’t look much like pre-stellar ignition creatures, but we’ll roll with it. (Anyway, wouldn’t they be Hot Ones in that case, not Cold Ones?)
- …using a K does not make words extra-special. Just ask the Krell, the K’kree, the Kazon…
- Don’t Seal the Evil in a Can! That trick never works!
- Ah, Loki. Snarking in the face of death.
- …Thor? Have you been listening to your brother?
- THEY HAVE A CAVE TROLL.
- This audience would point out that yes, Odin has a point about relationships between the short-lived and the long. But also that there is a cure for that, and if they haven’t figured it out yet, why the heck not?
- Ah, Darcy, never stop being you.
- Someone’s suffering some aftereffects of being brain-stirred with a scepter, methinks.
- Welp, something’s plaited space-time like a much-used handkerchief. Wacky fun with metric engineering?
- That’s a mite impressive.
- Evidently you can explode more than once.
- Holy shit, indeed. Bifrost is a delightfully showy method of interstellar travel. And your reaction, Jane, is simply adorable. The scientists squee and proclaim you one of their own.
- Yes, “soul forge” is definitely a more poetic name. Our science team agree, although the description of what it does is… odd.
- Rather civilized dungeons, Asgard has.
- Interesting cosmology. One presumes that the Nine Realms are themselves an artificial construct.
- There is perhaps something to be said about what one ought to bring to a battlecruiser fight.
- Given some earlier comments about woman warriors, it’s good to see that the Queen of Asgard is appropriately badass. And tricksy.
- …and dead. Shit.
- A worthy funeral.
- Lecturing the nuthouse. A sorry end for a great mind and someone who got drunk with a god.
- Ah, Loki. You may not be a troll, but you’re definitely a troll.
- Nice flying… for a vehicle you’ve never seen before.
- Hell, a man takes that many pills, no wonder he’s crazy.
- Nidavellir: it’s a miserable place.
- Loki, damn it.
- Let me rephrase that: Damn, Loki!
- Oh, well played with that grenade.
- Is there anyone in this audience who believes that Loki actually just died? Signs point to no.
- You may have found a body, but the audience still doesn’t believe it.
- Given that Mjolnir can lay down the smack on someone wielding the functional equivalent – or actuality – of an Infinity Stone, Asgardian weapons technology is really quite impressive.
- And, hell, where are they gonna run to, anyway? Might as well get a good video on the off-chance the universe survives.
- Welcome to Vanaheim, gentlemen. Hope they have airfields.
- Excellent rising to the occasion, intern’s intern.
- …kinda hope we get to visit Muspellheim sometime. It looks interesting, what we can see through the big ol’ skyhole.
- Rendered ‘armless. Ho, ho, ho.
- …aww, the fighter pilots didn’t get to stay in Vanaheim long enough for any mead. I hear it’s excellent.
- Oh, Loki, you magnificent bastard! (And one wonders what he did with Odin?)
- And he’s back! Good thing too, bilge snipe and all.
Anyway. Perfect movie for this audience – modulo some serious suspending of science disbelief – complete with perfect demi-villain. Couldn’t be better.
Well, you didn’t think I’d need a suddenly need a policy for no reason, did you?
Go here to read Heads and Tails, written by long-time reader Morgrim. Your author deems it to be Good Stuff.
(The answer to a question asked on the Eldraeverse Discord, copied here since not everyone follows the Eldraeverse Discord.)
Fanfiction policy: Well, first, I’m rather gratified to discover that I need a fanfiction policy…
1. I don’t have any objection to fanfiction per se . Content-wise, however, I would like to politely request that fanfic writers write in, or respect, the spirit of the original work and characters, and somewhat less politely request, for the love of gods, spare us badly-written porn. Apart from that, feel free to enjoy yourselves.
2. If publishing it anywhere people other than you can see it, please include (a) a disclaimer that it is fanfic, (b) a link to the original Eldraeverse site, and (c) a note that it is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, non-commercial fiction. You also specifically grant me all rights to reuse any or all elements of it that I might wish to, such that in the event that I stumble across it on the Internet or just happen to write something similar in future, you can’t sue me.
3. If talking about it on the Discord, please do so in the #fanfic channel to avoid confusion.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Don’t really have to say anything at this point, do I?
- Nice “you know who I am” badge.
- Ooh, nanoficus.
- Less cool: exploding ficus.
- JARVIS continues to be best house brain.
- Your R&D process really looks unnecessarily painful.
- See, now folks like this asshole is why the King of All Known Space sometimes orders the King’s New Glass Marina.
- (Also, War Machine was so much better as a name.)
- Post-traumatic stress sucks; and while the audience recognizes it, they’re from a culture that is very predisposed to repress the hell out of it. (Which is why the Imperial Military Service spends so much time and effort watching for, guarding against, and dealing with it.) ((And as honers of the will to a razor edge, those cases that do show up are exactly this bad.))
- And for the record, both they and I think it was handled very well.
- Nice holoballs. (“Conversation balls”, as we call ’em.)
- The empty slots in the brain really sound different to a species that actually was designed.
- Well, someone’s not solved the nanocyborg waste heat problem. (To reference a recent discussion: catching fire and then exploding is exactly what happens to people who get overenthusiastic about the extrinsic power sources. If you want high energy, go metal.)
- Damn, that’s some degree of control. (Also, no anti-air defenses, Tony? We would have thought that you’d have thought of that.)
- …they killed Dummy and Butterfingers? Someones need to die. A lot.
- (And we really hope Jarvis is a fully distributed system.)
- We applaud you, kid. You have… potential.
- Dear media networks: your security systems are a giant ball of suck. I mean, seriously. Kids with a My First Firewall kit could follow this act.
- Yeah, that is a terrible password. It’s also fairly terrible to be using a password.
- Ease back there, fanboy. A little dignity, please.
- IN A HARDWARE STORE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!
- … well, of course they have a decoy schmuck.
- Killian, your personnel policies are all kinds of terrible.
- Pretty sure a flamethrower – even an implanted flamethrower – is better than the potential of, y’know, exploding.
- Ah, the Vice-President has a sympathetic motivation. Which, in Imperial terms, means he’s earned a pistol with one shot left overnight in his cell in between arraignment and trial for treason.
- Now that’s a rescue back in the proper form!
- Autonomous mode for the win.
- You gave them all individual names? Awww.
- Oh, shit.
- …but best not-actually-resurrection ever. Damn, Pepper. Nicely done.
- And the audience delivers multiple standing ovations for that series of endings, which cap things off exquisitely.
- (Especially the salvaged robot arms.)
Yeah. Just… yeah. Works perfectly. Both on its own merits, and because, in a different way to Captain America, Iron Man is exactly the kind of hero they write stories about.
Again, you know how this works…
- Ooh, monologue-ing. That’s a good sign.
- Well, someone forgot the first rule of mucking about with poorly understood paleotech artifacts, didn’t they?
- Mind-zapping scepters work much better, I feel, when they don’t change your eye color.
- Free from freedom? Well, someone just lost any possible audience sympathy.
- Nice paranoia training, Agent Hill. The ISS approves.
- Even nicer reverse-interrogation technique. Likewise.
- Hello, Reason Why We Tend Not To Leave Things To Councils In Our Universe.
- Good to see Tony Stark putting his tech into practical use.
- Ah, Loki, you brood so well.
- Well, someone graduated posturing school summa cum laude.
- Ah, a flying carrier. Evidently SHIELD, too, knows the value of Shock and Awesome.
- Big ‘ol science sighs at this abuse of iridium.
- You, good sir, are the one person in that crowd we respect.
- …love the entrance.
- …and the next entrance. Bringing the storm, eh?
- Y’all are the worst ever at conflict resolution.
- (Well, maybe not all audience sympathy, inasmuch as Loki looks kind of beaten up around the eyeballs and maybe under the influence of his own scepter. But it’s pretty definitely reserved until we find out more about that.)
- We bow in awe to Tony Snark.
- Another very nice interrogation – with the truth – there. Plus understanding of clemency and obligation.
- Your engine redundancy ain’t great, though. Pair and a spare, guys.
- I’d also just like to say that this is a very badly designed engine and you ought to talk to somebody about that when you get home.
- Ooh, virus delivery by arrow. I like it.
- Again with the quality paranoia training. Never trust a field deconversion.
- And Phil Coulson shows us all how to earn your way into your local equivalent of Valhalla.
- Good for you, Mr. Security Guard. Unflappable and highly decent.
- “I’ve got red in my ledger; I’d like to wipe it out.” is such an eldraeic sentiment.
- …yeah, that ain’t going to work. *tink* *tink*
- The audience can only imagine how embarrassed Loki, who is quite the snappy dresser, must feel about being stuck with leading this army of ugly-ass cods on their ugly-ass space-bikes.
- And that’s a giant bone-plated space-planaria? Really?
- (Definite case of brainfucked-eyes right there.)
- Yeah, these Chitauri are definitely a warrior culture, insofar as their battle plan is the awesomesauce “leap into buildings and fire randomly at civilians” strategy. If they didn’t have their tech and huge numbers advantage, a Girl Scout troop could mop ’em up with time left over for cookies.
- Cap shows us the right way for Asskicking to Equal Authority.
- Yes, that is definitely a stupid-ass decision. The audience gives Fury a standing ovation.
- The Inadvisable Weapons researcher is taking a bunch of notes on Hawkeye’s arrows, too.
- SHIELD are quite distressingly good at shooting at themselves, aren’t they? Also, I’m pretty sure the Imperial Military Service have the right position on firing IRNs at your own cities; to wit, don’t. Even if you’re ordered to, because how the shit is that a legal or ethical order?
- …your troops are all hard-wired to suicide when you lose the central command point? Did you guys learn everything from Amazingly Self-Defeating Strategies Monthly?
- Yeah, that just confirms that Fury would be better off without the Omniscient Council of Asshats armchair quarterbacking.
- …not that unruly. Just some of them. And oh, look, it’s the blue-eyed thing behind the thing.
It’ll work for the Imperial audience, although human culture/nature and distressing flexibility about the knees is still different enough to require some translation/explanation.
(It also comfortably confirms their prejudices that governments in general – looking at you, Council guys, and Senator hold-the-Avengers-responsible – tend to be made up of idiots and assholes and it’s always up to the few, the proud, the heroic cooperating individuals to save the day again despite the former’s best efforts to worsen the situation.)
You know how this works at this point…
- Ooh, glowy cube. Wonder if it’s an actual tesseract inside?
- Yeah, you can see where Tony got it from.
- And this, gentlesophs, is what we call estxijir.
- Ooh, we like her.
- The culture that makes a point of the importance of spiritual values to the sentinel daressef is nodding along with Dr. Erskine here. They are, as it were, the hardest and most vital part.
- So, on the topic of qualities one wins wars with… and hell, this civilization doesn’t even have vector stacks.
- Impressive results. Now someone get him a steak dinner.
- Even more impressive for someone presumably still suffering from ‘shell dysmorphia.
- And that’s what happens to you when you Obstructive Naysay a supervillain.
- And the audience gives a standing ovation to the local taste in musical propaganda, despite the waste of fighting talent. The idealist school always plays well.
- The Red Skull, incidentally, makes a superb villain for this audience, even without knowing the local politics. It’s not at all hard to read in him the Renegade-perverting-technology-and-awesome-to-ill-ends archetype that all their best villains are made of.
- Now that’s how you pull off a rescue!
- Nicely unspoken, Colonel.
- Vibranium, huh? For once we’re going to try hard to just roll with the impossibilium.
- Got to give it to the old Crimson Cranium, the Valkyrie‘s a really nice ship. On the other hand, HYDRA have a ridiculous salute and a slogan that by rights should kill morale.
- Manned bombs? Seriously? Are they trying to grow more heads?
- And that’s why you should take great care when playing with paleotechnological artifacts.
- It’s not that the Imperial audience can’t appreciate a heroic sacrifice, but at some point, I think, someone needs to explain to them why we have so many of them in our media, being generally in favor of Taking a Third Option themselves, which their media reflects.
- Seriously, SHIELD? Lies do not become you.
- (Although this, along with differences in how the us.gov has been portrayed here and in the previous movies, is really playing into a “lesser sons of greater sires” vibe in their eyes.)
So, overall, yes – would work very well. Some cultural translation required, partly because the background does rather depend on having The War in your history, which this audience does not. Also, explaining why everyone seems to have a single-sex army given how much ass Agent Carter kicks right there on screen.
(And why you might not need to explain the concept of bullying, you might have to explain to the less cosmopolitan members of the audience why society at large doesn’t stomp on it with the vigor which they would expect.)